Happy Mother's Day to all the mums out there. I saw a lot of people were posting old photos of themselves as a kid with their mums. Because what better gift to give your mother than a photo of how she used to look before you completely wore her down." -Jimmy Fallon
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When Diane found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. But her 4-year-old son overheard some of her parents' private conversations. One day when Diane and her 4-year-old were shopping a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby. "Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!"
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Worried about getting the death penalty, a capo on trial for first degree murder had one of his mobsters offer a young blond woman on the jury $100 grand to hold out for manslaughter. Needing the money, she accepted the bribe.
Shortly after, the jury found him guilty of manslaughter and sentenced him to 25 years in prison.
Once he'd settled into the prison routine, he called the juror to thank her. "Thanks so much for saving my life," he said. "I know that holding out for manslaughter must have been difficult."
"You're very welcome," she said, "And you're right, it certainly wasn't easy! Everyone else wanted to acquit you."
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An admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command.
While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.
He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.
The Chief replied, "I’d be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia.
Horrified the Admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!"
The Chief shrugs and replies, "Well, If that’s the way you feel, sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts."
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The Bureau of prisons just announced the release of a serial bank robber who had looted over 30 banks before his capture. The parole board says he is completely rehabilitated and has found employment at his home in Prague. Yes, that is correct. They were able to right a bad czech.
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A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.
The grandson did this religiously and lived to the age of 110. He left 4 children, 20 grand-children, 30 great-grandchildren, 10 great-great-grand-children and a fifty-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
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The 15th gets a fair old thrashing this week.
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